Reflections on the past

I had a conversation over SMS with *Amelia* today that was quite revealing of our collective pasts. This was never something that we surfaced in discussion in the past, but I guess it was something that we felt. I am beginning to see that as we journey along in our lives, and as we seek each other out again and as our paths converge, we have become more secure, more healed, and I guess better able to discuss these things. And just in case you think *Amelia* is mal-adjusted, let me assure you that she isn't; she's an intelligent, confident, articulate and really cool young woman.. And one of my closest friends!

Ame: Hey you! Happy Happy Birthday! Hope things're feeling a little more positive since last weekend when we met. Have a great day today!
Me: Hihi.. Thanks! Bday was yesterday! Haha. Feeling ok I guess! Yesterday was slightly depressed..
Ame: Oops. I always thought it was the very last day of the month and keyed it in eons ago. My bad. Hmm..sorry about ur being depressed..tomorrow will b better!
Me: Haha. That's JY, not me. :)
Ame: I really wouldn't know, my dear. We're not. Pals. :-)
Me: Well said my friend. I feel honoured now. :)
Ame: Haha! You know for a moment when I looked at ur sms, I was like, huh? JY? N had to check wat our previous sms was about just to be sure.
Me: Haha. Those people were a dark chapter in our past. Still comes up and bites us in the ass sometimes.
Ame: For you too? Bizarre. I thot their lifestyle choices never bothered u. They always made me feel clumsy n awkward n unloved..
Me: I think for me it was more a hindsight thing. I felt cheated cuz at the very end, they were not real. Like cheap gold-plated jewellery.
Ame: Haha. That's a very serious pronouncement! What do u mean on hindsight? Sounds like experiences weren't good. But I'm glad I knew fr start how they felt abt me.
Me: I think there was a lot of form, but little substance. Realised it when I got closer to Noe in jc. She was empty inside. Just like Jan.
Ame: Oh! Didn't realize that was when u saw thru her! Yayaya...makes sense to me now. I know how u feel when u see thru pple. Like eating expired tuna.
Me: Yeah, eating it for many years before you find out they cause cancer.

I guess on hindsight, I *did* "fit in" (somewhat) with the popular group, though there was a nagging part of me that was always bothered by the bitchiness and peer pressure. Couple that with the fact that Miss National Swimmer Superstar was in our class, the fact that our class boasts 3 out of 4 house captains, most of the ECA captains, the most popular / prettiest girls in school etc, essentially, the equivalent of the jocks and cheerleaders in American colleges. And what we lacked in gray matter, we more than made up for in the sheer number of adoring fans/stalkers/groupies hanging around outside our classrooms with flowers, love notes and professions of love. I think you get what I mean. In the end though, the sheen that you see reflecting light from a distance is nothing more than cheap plastic.


In other news, I have a friggin crazy friend. I seem to be a magnet for this sort.

Crazy shipbroker: SAD
Crazy shipbroker: have u heard of this new abbreviation?
Me: No..
Crazy shipbroker: sex after dinner
Me: Idiot.
Crazy shipbroker: u are
Me: Please.
Crazy shipbroker: please forgive me, i dunno what i do (as in you dunno what u do)
Me: Hahah. You're a moron.
Crazy shipbroker: please forgive me, i cant stop loving u (as in you, so stupid)
Crazy shipbroker: la la la

The rest of the conversation pretty much degenerates.

Swearing

I find talking to this vulgar broker friend of mine very refreshing. She's hilarious.
Me: Quick! Wish me happy birthday!!
Broker: Wahaha
Broker: happy birthday bitch!
Me: Idiot!

I'm learning to swear from her, in order to be a more credible trader.
Me: Just now I was in the exec toilet.
Me: Doing my business right?
Me: Then the stupid cleaning auntie knock on the door cuz she wanna clean the damn toilet.
Me: KNN.
Me: I was doing business halfway can
Me: Hahaha. See? I use KNN. Just like you!
Broker: wtf
Me: Ooh! Another swear word I picked up.
Broker: i'm not so chor lor k
Broker: WAAAHaha
Me: I credit it to you.
Broker: bitch
Broker: bitch bitch bitch
Broker: hate u
Me: WTF?!?!
Me: Wahahahah!!!
Me: If my mother ask me how come I so chor lor I say it's this broker I got to know.
Broker: WAH KAOz
Me: OoH!! Another one!
Me: Wat does it mean ah?
Me: Wah kaoz? What does it mean?
Me: Mean MF issit?
Broker: wats mf
Me: Motherfucker. Looks like your English swearing needs work.

She's always trying to get more competitive bid/offers, and uses me as a spy. And me, I'm just practicing my swearing.
Broker: eh woman
Broker: wats our there in feb 380
Me: Simi?
Me: KNN!!

Ever diligent, I was practicing hard.
Me: Lalala...
Me: *muack*
Me: I lubbb you!
Broker: mar 476.50/477 gc/jpm
Broker: lose my mar bid traded away
Broker: wah liew
Broker: LIGUSTING
Me: You no lub me?
Me: KNN!!

I like to vex her. Very entertaining.
Broker: eh woman i need a holiday
Broker: howhowhw
Me: Haha. Relak.
Me: You wanna go Vietnam? I never been before..
Me: Cheap cheap holiday ok? I cannot afford.
Me: I am not a broker.
Broker: I BEEN THERE LIAO
Broker: cambodia
Broker: ai mai
Me: Cambodia they eat spiders one ah?
Broker: rubbish
Broker: u mad ar
Broker: wahah
Me: Rubbish?
Me: They eat rubbish?
Broker: bitfch lar

More crap

Me: Eh tomorrow my birthday.. Wat you buying me??
Friend: i din hear it
Me: Hahaha. Who's the bitch?
Friend: u, who else? doh! wahaha
Friend: wat u wan lar..
Me: Haha. Joy. INner peace. A good job with a good boss.
Friend: kaoz! go ask jesus

Woohoo!!!

74 words

Touch Typing

Mortality

I think that as I deal with my emotions and slowly allow myself to heal, I am able to post this up.



I was not particularly close to the man, but we worked on projects together. He was not a proud man, and he would have talked to the least of us. We had a good relationship, and Bob liked me, of that I am sure.

I remember him falling in step with me as I walked from the pantry back to my table.
Bob: Are you working hard, or hardly working?
Me [Looking around furtively]: Shh! Not so loud, Bob.
Bob laughs.

A yahoo conversation I picked up from the archive.
Bob: you making money
Me: Haha. Hi Bob..
Me: Trying to.
Bob: really.... ????
Me: Heh heh. Bluff you la.
Me: No, I'm really trying to..
Bob: can..cannot ..can'
Me: Can la..
Me: Where are you Bob?
Bob: narita airport
Me: Oh Tokyo
Me: Heh heh. Are you making any money? :P
Bob: not really

I miss the old guy. Things are different now.

When Satan Hurts Christ's People

Under the persistent questioning of Ed, I have decided to divulge a bit of my inner thoughts. In recent weeks, my mind and emotions have been assailed with issues about friendship and a certain sort of betrayal and loss. I can't elaborate much, suffice to say that I'm thankful for God's continual watch and protection over me. The Holy Spirit has been prompting me and preparing my heart for such an event, and it's only on hindsight that I recognized His voice.

I'm in a lot of pain, but am determined to emerge - how they say in the bible - worthy. "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ" (1 Pet 1:7)

Mel says that I handle crises with a lot of class - much more than she's ever seen (or something to that effect), and I don't want to diminish God's role in this. He found me and took me back some 2-3 months ago, and though there is constant pain in forsaking all else and taking up the cross daily, I want to see this work. A devotional passage I read today just sums up everything that is part of my healing process. I hope this sheds a little bit of light into my emotional and spiritual condition at the moment.

With this, I shall sign out.

When Satan Hurts Christ's People
John Piper
Reflections on Why Christians Suffer Losses

Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer...
Revelation 2:10

When huge pain comes into your life—like divorce, or the loss of a precious family member, or the dream of wholeness shattered—it is good to have a few things settled with God ahead of time. The reason for this is not because it makes grieving easy, but because it gives focus
and boundaries for the pain.

Being confident in God does not make the pain less deep, but less broad. If some things are settled with God, there are boundaries around the field of pain. In fact, by being focused and bounded, the pain of loss may go deeper—as a river with banks runs deeper than a flood plain. But with God in his firm and proper place, the pain need not spread out into the endless spaces of ultimate meaning. This is a great blessing, though at the time it may simply feel no more tender
than a brick wall. But what a precious wall it is!

As a father, I want to help our twelve-year-old daughter Talitha settle some things with God now, so that when little or big losses come—and they will come—her pain will be bounded and will not carry her out, like a riptide, into the terrifying darkness of doubt about God. So as we read God's word together twice a day, I point out the mysterious ways of God.

Two days ago, we read this from the lips of Jesus to the church at Smyrna in Revelation 2:10:

Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and for ten days you will have tribulation. Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life.

I asked Talitha, "Is Jesus stronger than the devil?" "Yes," she said. Indeed, I added, ten million times stronger. It's not even close. In fact, as Mark 1:27 says, "He commands even the unclean spirits, and they obey him." So all Jesus has to do is say to the devil, "You shall not throw my loved ones into prison," and the devil will not be able to do it. Right, Talitha? Right.

So, Talitha, why does Jesus let the devil do this? Why does he let the devil throw his precious followers in jail and even kill some of them? She shook her head. I said, well, let's read it again slowly, and you tell me the reason that the Bible gives. Slowly, "Behold the devil is about to throw some of you into prison... that... you... may... be... tested." So why does Jesus let this happen, Talitha? "That they may be tested." That's right.

And what is being tested? The answer is given in the way Jesus describes what passing the test looks like. He says, "Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life." Faithfulness to Jesus is being tested. Will his loved ones keep trusting him? Will they keep believing that he has their best interest at heart? That he is wise? That he is good? That he is stronger than all?

So, Talitha, there are a thousand things that God is doing every time something painful happens to you. Most of these you do not know or understand. Job, Joseph, and Esther did not know what God was doing in their losses. But there is always one thing you can know God is doing when pain comes into your life. This is something you can settle with God ahead of time. He is always testing you.

If the test leads to your death, as it did for some of the Christians in Smyrna, Jesus wants you to know something ahead of time. "You will receive the crown of life." That means he will raise you from the dead and will crown you with the kind of everlasting joy in his presence that will make up for your loses ten-thousand-fold. "Crown" signifies majestic, royal restoration and exaltation.

James says the same thing:

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God haspromised to those who love him.

Passing the test means loving God to the end.

So settle it, Talitha. Loss and pain are coming into your life, but Jesus is infinitely stronger than the devil. So even if the devil is causing it, as he did in Smyrna, Jesus is letting it happen. And he
always has his reasons—more than we can know. One of those reasons is always testing, namely, the testing of our faith and our love for him.

We cannot answer every why question. But there is always this answer: My faith is being tested. And our Lord never wastes his tests. Whether we believe this truth is, in fact, part of the test. In the mind of Jesus, the promise that he would give them the crown of life was enough to sustain the Christians in Smyrna. I pray that it will be enough for Talitha—and for you.

Trusting the wisdom and goodness of Jesus in loss,
Pastor John

By John Piper. (c) Desiring God.
Website: www.desiringGod.org.

Nobody remains a virgin. Life fucks everyone.

Crude? Yes.

Funny? Ohyeah!