The Sandwich Solution

This really doesn't just apply in the context of marriage, but in any interpersonal relationship. An interesting read.

The Sandwich Solution
How one wife returned good for evil
By Gary D. Chapman

Has your spouse ever cursed you? I hope not, but if it should happen, Jesus gave us clear instruction: "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you" (Luke 6:27-28). That approach to verbal abuse is so counter-intuitive that it seems almost incredible. We're so accustomed to "fighting fire with fire" that the thought of putting water on the fire by means of kind words and actions has seldom crossed our minds.

Too many of us have become so intent on holding each other accountable that we have difficulty even hearing the words of Jesus. Many believe that if they take Jesus' words literally, they'll end up being "stepped on" by their spouse.

I believe the opposite is true. Undeserved kindness has the potential of deeply penetrating the heart of your spouse. Isn't that God's modus operandi? The apostle Paul recognized this when he said, "God's kindness leads you toward repentance" (Romans 2:4). God is our model, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, we are able to return kindness in the face of harshness.

One husband told me that his wife had tried to have a conversation with him while he was watching a football game. He responded harshly, "Can't we discuss this later? I want to watch the game." His wife left the room and 20 minutes later returned with a tv tray with a sandwich, chips, a drink, and a cookie. She placed it in front of him, kissed him on the cheek, said, "I love you," and walked out of the room.

The husband said to me, "I was overwhelmed. I didn't deserve her kindness. By the time I finished eating the snack, I knew I had to apologize. I turned off the tv, walked into the room where she was reading a book, and said, 'I'm sorry I snapped at you. I hurt you, and you turned around and made me a sandwich and told me you loved me. Will you forgive me for being so insensitive?' She smiled and said, 'It's okay. I forgive you.'"

He told me that he offered to talk with her immediately and not to watch the rest of the game. Her response was, "No, I can wait. I know you really want to watch the game, and I wasn't thinking about that when I started talking to you. We can talk when it's over."

Not many of us have learned to apply the teachings of Jesus to our marriages. We're happy to leave his words on the pages of Scripture and never translate them into life. However, those who do will soon discover that blessing those who curse you is a powerful way to enhance marital unity.

Many of us have read so much about "tough love" that we've failed to practice "tender love." I'm not suggesting there's no place for tough love in marriage. I'm suggesting tough love should be the last resort, not the first option. When you return good for evil, kindness for harshness, and pray sincerely for the spouse who mistreats you, you're creating a relationship that will make tough love much more effective if and when it is necessary.

If there's been no warmth, no tenderness, no turning of the other cheek, then tough love will often lead to divorce. The attitude of the offending spouse will be, Good riddance. Your spouse will shift his or her own guilt to you and blame you for the breakup of the marriage. If, on the other hand, you've walked the road of kindness, the offender who refuses to change his behavior will realize in the face of tough love that he's about to lose someone who is important to him. The erring spouse is far more likely to be repentant and seek reconciliation.

I am fully aware that without divine help, none of us will be able to follow Jesus' teachings. Our natural inclination is to respond to harsh words with harsh words and to mistreatment with mistreatment. However, this approach leads us spiraling downward in our relationship. The apostle Paul summarized Jesus' teachings when he said, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). Taking the high road of "blessing for cursing" creates a climate where we can more readily process our differences and learn to work together as a supportive team.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Sanity (Or lack thereof)

Went out to run errands with the brother. We were stuck in a traffic
jam for about half an hour and were kidding around in the car. Suddenly
he uttered a scream.

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing"
"Must be the sun."
"No, actually it's the daughter."

(Wahahahhaha)

I think extended exposure to me does things to my brother's sanity.

The 3 Little Bears

Probably one of the hardest challenges in working life is navigating people issues. There is a convoluted tangle between ambition, hidden agenda, greed, pride and lust for power (among other things).

Last night, the little bear was trying to make porridge for the family. It was a very adult thing to do, and Little Bear felt very responsible and grown up. "Let's see," thought Little Bear, "Mama said to put salt AND pepper", and so he did. The porridge looked very nice when it was cooked, and so very proudly, Little Bear presented his concoction to Mama and Papa bear.

"Here you go, mama and papa! I took the initiative to make you porridge, seeing that you're tired from a day of foraging in the forest!"

"Excellent! I'm hungry!" roared Papa bear, and he grabbed a big bowl and gulped it down, before coughing and throwing it all up on the floor. "What is this slop?", Papa bear growled. "It's too salty! It tastes like sea water mixed with mud!"

Mama bear took a little taste of the porridge. "Well it *is* a little salty, Little. Try soy sauce in the future." (because they were oriental grizzlies)

"You said salt, didn't you, mama?" asked Little Bear, confused and embarassed, for the neighbours were already crowding around the den to see what the commotion was about.

"That might have been another recipe, honey," replied Mama bear, "I've always used soy sauce."

"Perhaps," said Little Bear, sorely disappointed at the lack of appreciation.

Later that evening, Little Bear trawled through the recipe book, and found that it WAS salt, and not soy sauce. Mama must have adjusted the recipe to suit the taste of oriental grizzly bears, but Little Bear never really knew. However, that was the last time Little Bear would try something like cooking again, for the bears who stood to benefit were not appreciative, the information was only shared in a small group of like minded bear cooks (although unintentional), and Little Bear was publicly humiliated, and afraid to try anything new again.

Reflections: Malaysia

I was out in KL with YC over the weekend, and boy was it fun!! I didn't exactly tell her straight out, but I was really impressed by her courage and independence in living abroad, since there's also a constant need for her to fend for herself, chart her career, make new friends as well as excel in her job. All this without much counsel and sound wisdom. A lot of my friends are doing this. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to. Probably not.

There's lots that I'd brought back with me in terms of wisdom, though this isn't exactly the medium in which I'd share it. Something that had struck me though was the inflation, if you will, in Malaysia. YC's blogged about it, and this is general knowledge, but it never struck me as hard as it does to be on the streets paying those ridiculous prices for food and stuff.

A rough survey at major shopping malls and even hawker centres generally tell the same story; that despite the relative strength of the SGD, things in Malaysia are no longer cheap. A bottle of shampoo that retails at SGD10 would cost RM24, a kinder bueno selling at SGD1.50 would cost Malaysians RM3. That would be ok to stomach if the Malaysian wages were double that in Singapore. I don't see that happening.

You see, as I understand it, Malaysians generally earn the same that we Singaporeans do dollar for dollar, for relatively non international jobs such as sales, project management, stuff like that. When I say that, I mean for example, that if a project manager in Singapore earns an annual income of SGD60k, a project manager in KL would earn about RM60k (give or take a few ks).

What's happening, in this case, is a massive hike in the cost of retail products and services, effectively halving Malaysians' purchasing power, since wages are not moving up to the same degree in tandem. What with the sudden lifting of petrol and agricultural subsidies, we're witnessing the dichotomy between the effect of world trade as a great equalizer of product prices and the closing of arbitrage gaps, and the inefficiency of the labour market to adapt to these changes.

Why is the labour market not following the retail market? Why is it that the added resource from savings in labour does not channel back into the labour market? It probably has something to do with the fact that labour, or services, is (or are?) not as mobile as goods. In a relatively conservative country such as Malaysia, where citizens are brought up in a culture of communal living, to have to choose between a higher paying job abroad and staying at home with the family earning a meagre salary is a no brainer. It could also be evidence of a widening income divide, where those that are willing to move are being paid more, and the ones that choose family over money are punished with increasing distress over his ability to support his family of 10 and extended family of 25. I am, of course generalising a lot of things here, but stay with me. I believe that there will come a point where an as-yet undefined wage tolerance will be breached, and there will be an outflow of talent overseas which will bring wages back on par with international standards... Or at least improve the situation over there.

Chao keng day

I was trying to convince Mel to lunch with me around Orchard where my
doctor was, because I think I'll be on sick leave tomorrow for my bad
tennis knee. Bloody clumsy idiot I am.

Mel: got to work.. you wanna come eat in woodlands?

(Of course not, Mel!)

Me: I got no car.. Parents are in KL..
Mel: roles reversed i'd say the same thing. you'll be much closer to
your parents in woodlands
Me: Haha. Nice try. I'm king of the hill here. The boss. I'm in charge
of the house. My brother has to do my bidding.
Mel: yeh yeh.. like wat? cook for you?
Me: No actually I cooked for him. *sheepish look* There are no benefits
being boss. Being my brother's boss, I mean. He's an evil little twit.

Well I meant that in the most loving way!

Shart

So I was having a conversation today with someone, who told me to look up the word "shart". So the helpful word of the day today is

Shart : a small, unintended defecation that occurs when one relaxes the anal sphincter to fart (blend of "shit" and "fart")

Ok, I don't know about you, but I found this quite hilarious, to my embarrassment. I think my sense of humour has a tendency to veer towards toilet jokes.

Speaking of toilet jokes, my brother sent this to me. It's pretty funny, I tell you.





And lastly, at the risk of getting struck by lightning, this is by far the funniest.



A testament to the fact that I generally collect friends of this ilk is the following conversation, in response to my definition of shart:

Adrian: interesting portmanteau!
Me: Haha. I'll say! My new word for the day.
Adrian: it's just like the time someone told me, "A wet fart isn't really a fart." which i agreed
Me: Hahahha. Ew! I should know better than to discuss stuff like that with you. It's like having a competition to see who gets grossed out first.
Adrian: i can go on!
Me: Yes, I'm sure you can! Wahahaha
Adrian: i like winning these things, but i usually get gruesomely surprised along the way

A real post.. But not a very happy one.

I realise that I haven't been doing proper blogging the way I used to, and taking the lazy way out by simply exerpting conversations that I've had with people. I can see how that might be superficial to some of you who actually are entertained by my ramblings, or who are genuinely interested in my welfare, so I will deign, once in a while, to write a few actual posts. Part of this realisation I guess is spurred on by speaking with Calvin, who happens to think that my writing style requires very little mediation. Whatever that means.

The truth is that there have been many things that have happened the past few months, none of which can be shared in this medium. I have grappled with several issues which, if I think about it, forces me to make difficult decisions about my life and how I want to live it, about people and how I want to treat them, about friendship, about God, about life and separation and loss and love. As you can tell, all this is pretty heavy going, so I try not to think about it as much as I possibly can.

There have been a flurry of activity around me recently, but despite everything, I've been feeling lonely. Alone. The sort of coldness in the heart that cannot be filled by yet more parties to go to, or more money earned, or more good deeds done. The bible says that God gives a full and joyful life. Am I missing the point somewhere along the way? Am I not God-centred enough? Have there been too many things that have clouded my view of the cross?