A passage that moved me today.

I came across this passage in this book I'm currently reading, "The Year of Living Biblically". It's this hilarious book about one man's attempt to follow all of the Bible's rules as literally as possible. The book is not religious, mostly humour, but this bit touched me today, and I wanted to keep it here for posterity.

 

Today I'm taking a rest from a walk on a set of stairs near the Jaffa Gate. Or maybe near the Lion's Gate. I'm not sure. Frankly, I'm lost. But I'm resting here on the stone steps, which are cool and shaded and have a bumpy surface that makes them look like a Rice Krispies treat.

 

I have my head bowed and my eyes closed. I'm trying to pray, but my mind is wandering. I can't settle it down. It wanders over to an Esquire article I just wrote. It wasn't half bad, I think to myself. I liked that turn of phrase in the first paragraph.

 

And then I am hit with a realization. And hit is the right word- it felt like a punch to my stomach. Here I am being prideful about creating an article in a midsize American magazine. But God-if He exists-He created the world. He created flamingos and supernovas and geysers and beetles and the stones for these steps I'm sitting on.

 

"Praise the Lord," I say out loud.

 

I'd always found the praising-God parts of the Bible and my prayer books awkward. The sentences about the all-powerful, almighty, all-knowing, the host of hosts, He who has greatness beyond our comprehension. I'm not used to talking like that. It's so over the top. I'm used to understatement and hedging and irony. And why would God need to be praised in the first place? God shouldn't be so insecure. He's the ultimate being.

 

Now I can sort of see why. It's not for him. It's for us. It takes you out of yourself and your prideful little brain.

On religion and philosophy

I recently came across a chat I had with Adrian. It was really quite illuminating; it wasn't just the subject matter (homosexuality, religion and the existence of God) but also my thoughts on them. Reading it, I was surprised at my own clarity of thought on paper, and some of these beliefs that I held in me that was coaxed out in the discussion. Adrian is a very good conversationalist, because he's one of those rare people that actually isn't just consumed with getting his point across, but also willing to listen to yours.

 

On homosexuality

Me: Do you think that it's a nature thing? I'm kinda convinced it is..

Adrian: that God created them gay? if that is so, then the bible has a serious flaw. here's a startling fact: they have linked homosexuality with the use of plastic baby bottles. apparently, a substance called "BPA" and Phthalates inhibit male hormones - potentially causing effeminism and homosexual tendencies

Me: There's this thing that's recently been coined silent evidence. It's a long story, but basically, the gist of it is this: Imagine people stuck on a rowboat in a storm. They prayed, and were saved, and went on shore telling about the goodness and mercy of God. And thaat He exists. But there is a problem with this assumption, because what about those guys who prayed to God and still died? That's not part of the sample. I know I know, there are plenty of examples proving God and all. It's the same with the twin study to study gay tendencies. They advertised in gay magazines, and because of that their sample populations are compromised. I don't think that people willingly want to become gay. It's an alternative lifestyle, and most gay Christians who continue to be faithful to God are leading miserable lives (I expect) because they are suppressing their tendencies.. Because of this, although I cannot conclude that homosexuality is innate, but I am tending more towards that.

Adrian: yah, that's exactly what my friend said. gay-converted Christians have to live with the fact that part of them will always be attracted to men. not sure if that constitutes to miserable, but it's definitely a struggle. i don't know. I'm thinking it's a choice thing. but i can see how they don't feel so, just as i did not have a choice ( in a sense) to be heterosexual, they didn't have  choice to be attracted to the same sex

Me: Yeah, That's what I mean. And I see that this tendency was not restricted to modern times and it's also recorded in the Bible.

Adrian: anyway, God condemns it and all. if that is true that it is nature - then God's justice is warped, no? and if we cannot count on him to nail down sexual matters, then what of salvation? i recently had a really long discussion with a presbyterian on predestination, and i came out of it more disillusioned than ever. but, that's a long story.

 

On the truth of the Bible

Me: Yes, I've come to terms with predestination. I think that Christianity is either made up, corrupted, God isn't all-good, our conception of justice is not quite right, or there's more that we don't know.

Adrian: hey, you know about that predestination thing, doesn't that mess up faith and everything, like not knowing who God is? seeing how there's this shifty idea of "good" and "just" and all.

Me: Yeah. My faith isn't absolute. It changes with changing information. And the thing about me is that I question, and I doubt. And I believe that science, should corroborate with the stories in the bible.

Adrian: doubting's good, because it means you care. if you didn't care, nothing would matter, don't you think? but yeah. science has a knack of making the bible look bad. okay, 80% of the time, that is

Me: Yeah..  I think that it's about accepting that there are discrepancies, and deciding if these discrepencies are important. Immaculate conception – IMPORTANT! I can't figure that one out yet though. In the absence of evidence, it's just faith.

Adrian: actually, any discrepancy is tough on the bible, because the bible says that scripture is perfect

Me: Then there's a question if the original perfect scripture is the one we hold in our hands and call the Bible. The scripture may be perfect, but it may not be the same one we use. There are plenty of questions..

Adrian: which is also trouble, because the bible says that the bible itself is preserved by God somewhere along the way, if the Bible's credibility is called into question - any part of it - God's credibility is affected too. it's like, there's no middle ground for this. i dunno. i'm screwed up in that way too

Me: So the bible cannot be questioned? The thing is that our entire faith is built around this book. Questions that we have cannot be proved emperically. If the basic premise that the bible is preserved is wrong, then we're in trouble. And it's so likely, with scribes making mistakes, persecution etc, for the bible NOT to be faithful to the original. And it becomes a circular reference.

Adrian: yeah.. see, God himself promises preservation. wanna see the verse?

Me: Because we say God preserves, and the Bible points to God. So if the Bible is not credible, how can we prove that GOd is real? My question is more philosophical.

 

On the existence of God

Adrian: that's my uni major! it's not that God isn't real, it's just that the Bible becomes unreliable in its representation of God? because, if it weren't perfect, then no one would know where to trust it, and where not to. since it's all unempirical and all, or rather, unverifiable

Me: Yeah. THat's what I mean. And the very promises we stand on are shaky.

Adrian: So, as many of the atheists are saying, you can't be sure, then why are you using the ten commandments as a basis for creating legislation? are you so certain in your faith that you can deny millions of cancer patients stem cell treatments?  can you justify stalling responsibly genetically modified food from saving millions of starving people? when i read sam harris' book "letters to a christian nation", i was floored. very, very hard to answer. but then i realised, there's a great counter to that: Can Sam Harris offer an alternative, that doesn't end in anarchy and hedonism, and unethical practices?

Me: But it could just be that our human inclination is to determine that there IS an alternative. Maybe there isn't, and we're all headed straight to hell. Or wherever it is if hell doesn't exist. Moral and ethical standards apart from God's unchanging ones are an illusion, and change with better arguments, or more compelling reasons.

Adrian: so God's standards are outdated, your're saying? because God used to approve of dashing babies against rocks

Me: No, I'm playing devil's advocate here. I'm saying if there is no God.

Adrian: ah. yeah, if there isn't, all this is nonsense

Me: Because you're saying can you provide an alternative to God's commands.

Adrian: but i guess there's a human pining for (1) someone out there, (2) someone who cares. yah. but there isn't any alternative, see. there's no other standard apart from those outlined in popular organised religion which actually tells atheists something, since they believe that there's no God - the majority of humans have a capacity for good, or rather so called "God-like goodness", which means it is possible to agree on some basic principles of ethics

Me: Yes I think so. But ethics is not God.

 

On whether God is good

Adrian: my philo tutor asked me this, "What if God is not Good?" before i totally lost my mind, he answered, "well, that's not possible, because God is Good, Good is God, and the two are inseparable. Such that, we can only define evil as something that is "not God". ethics may not be God, but they are intimately linked

Me: well, that's not possible, because God is Good, Good is God, and the two are inseparable. ß Why? I don't study philo, and am a bit slow on the uptake. So explain why please..

Adrian: that's because the Bible says so

Me: See? Circular reference!

Adrian: exactly

Me: Hahah.

Adrian: but really, He has to be. God has to be good defined, since he is perfect, so it does make sense for God to be good, and good to be God. it's like how marriage, by definition, is a union between man and woman. no lobby can change that.

Me: Hm. You're bound by your religious conceptions I think. If God is just defined as a higher being, rather than perfect, this can hold.

Adrian: exactly. he is defined as perfect in the bible. but this assumes that the same god that the bible talks is entirely right about himself. if not, he would just be like a greek god

Me: Yes, referring to the Bible again. Which, if God isn't perfect, won't hold. I could write a book saying how perfect I am. And perpetuate the myth. The book isn't telling the truth, and neither am I.

Adrian: yeah. for all we know, he could just be an alien guy with loads of powers, like what the mormons believe. even if it's half true, like you being born on 30th Jan 1956, then the book would still be a unreliable source to find out who you are. so i guess your issue is that you can't trust that the Bible is true? mine is that i'm having monumental difficulty trusting God

Me: Not really. I'm just stating that our entire faith is based essentially on this one book. Like balancing an entire building on the foundation of one tile. Trusting God? Trusting that He's good?

Adrian: trusting that he is all he says he is. Christ is the Solid Rock I stand, All Other Things Are Sinking Sand. it's one book, but pundits would say that it's a really big book, or a really big tile

Me: And the justification for that?

Adrian: That Christ is a living person, and that he died and rose again, historically proven, apparently

Me: I'm not sure about the "rose again".

Adrian: history only proves he lived, though. not that he died and rose

Me: Yup.

Adrian: muslims insist that the romans were confused and crcucified judas instead

 

On life’s philosophy

Me: Haha. Right. That's quite an interesting theory. I think the journey of faith is just that you see. Each step you take is a step of faith. You just have to make a decision in the face of all the noise around you. And if evidence appears contrary, evaluate as you would any scientific piece of evidence.

Adrian: that's a good life philosophy. wonder if it's worth sacrificing life and limb for? i ask that because i once considered being a front line missionary

Me: I think of it this way.. Something like Pascal's wager. If there is no God and there is no other religion, then what matters is how you feel when you're alive. And if you think being a frontline missionary is living for a cause, that would be your satisfaction, and you'd think it was a life well lived. If there IS a God, then you'd have earned your eternal reward. I think only the people who stand outside look at the delusional and feel pity. The delusional himself doesn't feel the same sort of pity for himself.

Adrian: haha... ending an argument on Pascal's wager! :) then it is all up to perception then. No absolutes, and reality is what you make of it.

Me: Yes, that's basically the cynical way of viewing it. But for obvious reasons, living your life hedging your bets is not the best way to live a passionate life. So I'd say pick a side, live it out, but don't be a blind fool. Know what you've gotten yourself into and constantly be aware of the odds.

 

I think that as I go through life, I refine my views on God. Sometimes I think I'm a bit more harsh with myself and with God and Christianity in general, but sometimes these more sobering counter-faith thoughts help me to strengthen my faith, and the questions help me to dig deep into my own beliefs, and the truth of the God I know, or believe to know.

Persecution

This was a bad week for the whole office, mainly because there was an internal mail sent by our new pointy haired boss trying to restrict our freedom. Needless to say, it caused us a lot of grief. We're still griping about it.

Here's a small sample of the oppression of the bourgeoisie upon us. (Yes, if you know me well enough, I swore for 1 hour straight, and drowned my sorrows in very bad Johnny Walker the rest of the night, bitching to a largely unsympathetic industry guy who laughed at my plight).

Office Timings - Monday to Friday: 0900 hrs to 1800 hrs (inclusive of 1 hour lunch break from 1245 hrs to 1345 hrs).

9am?!!! Who in their right mind comes to work at 9am in this industry?! On a regular day, there is very little or no market until after lunch. And then the market starts, and ends at around 2am, when US closes. How about those of us who watch the night market? Who pays our overtime?!!

On working days, staff coming in office after 1000hrs or leaving office before 1600 hrs, will be debited half day leave.

What are we? Mcdonald's?!!

An attendance register will be available at the reception and all staff must enter their signature with time at entry & exit on every working day. The receptionist will make a daily attendance list and send it by email to all supervisors before 1200hrs.

No, actually we're a farking factory!

The manual filling up of attendance slip will be replaced in due course by a computerized system currently under construction.

Argh!! Oppression!!

Under Part IV of the Employment Act, an employee is entitled to 11 public holidays a year. Following are the 11 gazetted public holidays and 2 half days:

Two days for Chinese New Year.

One day for New Year’s Day, Hari Raya Puasa, Hari Raya Haji, Good Friday, Labour Day, Vesak Day, National Day, Deepavali, Christmas Day.

Half day for New Year’s Eve and Christmas Eve

Acceptable in theory, but our operating days should be governed by the operating days of the oil market assessment agency, because if the agency isn't working, nobody quotes, and there isn't a market, and then we're just sitting on our asses doing jackshit. Case in point: today.

All staff going on leave must give ample prior notice on their planned leave dates (preferably 3 months).

In that case, in theory, I should be planning my leave for APRIL next year now! *cry*

This should not coincide with the leave dates of his/her immediate department colleague. Every department has to be properly manned/attended at all times. The criterion for this is that each department has to be manned by at least 50% staff at all times.

If the trading department has 2 traders, 1 analyst and 1 risk, can the 2 traders go on leave?

“Proper notice” [pertaining to leave] means that you call and obtain approval from your supervisor unless a verifiable emergency makes it impossible for you to do so.

A robbery is not a verifiable emergency. Certainly is an emergency though.

If you fail to give proper notice of absence, as explained in this policy, you may be subject to stern disciplinary action, which may include immediate termination of employment.

Ooh. Scared!

All supervisors and managers are advised to make themselves available to attend such calls.

Instead of going for business meetings to negotiate multi-million dollar cargo deals.

For a planned half day leave application from Monday to Friday, working schedule will be as below:
• AM leave - begin work at 1.45 pm*
• PM leave - leaves at 12.45 pm*
• Leave application emails for half days must be stated clearly whether it is for morning or the afternoon period.

In which universe can you get more anal than that?

Today, in frustration, the traders brought the whole team down for a meeting in Conrad Hotel, and made the company pay for it. After the meeting, we all trooped back to the office, to find the pointy haired boss sitting around the trading area, pretending to have a conversation with the Indian chap, though we were sure he was there checking to see if we would return or if we'd gone off work early.

I wish someone would tell him it's not how hard you work; it's how smart.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

I got this from the broker's report. I think he very free.

Twas the Night Before Christmas when all thru the trade house
Not a screen was illuminated, no one at his mouse

The traders were gone
The P&L was sorted,
No risk of big VaR
No markets cavorted

The bankers were weeping about their Q4 results
Showing falling values, fractional bonuses & general tumult
The M&A business was dead & wealth management gone
Who knew that to be long was oh so so wrong?

The principals were off down in Grand Cayman drinking
While I was alone in the office alone but still thinking

With what burst, which was a big massive bummer
This major event that we saw expand in the summer

Despite Paulson's efforts and the many central bankers
The markets tanked, thanks to insolvent wankers.

I thought of the oil market's previous problems
like Aerochem, like Metro, and Amaranth & Enron
with created past trouble, and bad debts to send on

But this was the new Recession I saw, right here on my lawn
That gave us this volcano & pushed devaluations on
Down from the roof, at the end of this year
Making more danger than global warming to reindeer.

Who can know what the next year will hold?
Bigger busts, bigger doom & lo and behold,
Bigger government, more rules & sovereign investment
More dollar excitement & probable divestment

Out the office I walked into the December night,
Wishing all Amerex customers thank you,
Merry Christmas,
and to all a Good Night!

Insomnia

That's right. I can't sleep. For the life of me, I've been trying!! Until yesterday I've never had insomnia ever in my life, even in the thick of exams. And now, 2 days in a row, and quite out of the blue, I can't sleep.

It isn't that I'm stressing out about anything in particular, nor that I did any sort of vigourous exercise just before bedtime (yeah it's the truth, stop winking already). It isn't even because I'm upset about anything. I do have quite bad cramps right at this moment though, but it isn't close to being all that bad as to keep me from sleep.

I am stressing out a bit from not being able to sleep and hence not being able to wake up for work tomorrow, or being not so sharp, or whatever. And admittedly my rib bone is hurting a bit from somehow jutting out against the springs of my bed. And I am hungry despite eating dinner at 11pm.

I'm rambling!! I desperately need to sleep!!! HAAAAAALLLLPPPP!!!!!!

Food!!!

Yes I know. It's been a while. I haven't anything interesting to report really, or anything that can be read in this medium that wouldn't render me sackable, I mean. Heh heh. Work's been alright. Frustrating, but this is meant to be a happy post, so I shall not elaborate!

So anyway! I picked up ice cream making! And revisited my old cookie skills (which are WAY rusty!).

My guinea pigs are still alive as we speak.


Angie, with my cranberry and mango cookies! And pork floss cookies too. All quite lau hong, sad to say! Will work on it! ;)

Adrian! Hamming it up with my durian ice cream! He wants more bitter durians!


Next time, I'll be more conscientious with the posts (right) and put up more pictures of the food rather than just eating it all up.

Epitaph

I was reading an interview with Max Lucado, in which he quoted an epitaph that impressed upon him many years ago.

Sleeps, but rests not.
Loved, but was loved not.
Died as she lived, alone.

Among the myriad of possibilities, I wonder if she wrote that epitaph for herself in a moment of sorrow, or if a silent observer, documenting her sad existence, chose those words.

The world tends not to accomodate outliers very well: the socially awkward, the unpopular, the loud and rude, the quiet and withdrawn. Most of us damn ourselves with the decisions we make; the people we choose to be. And more often than not, in real life, the stories don't end the way they do in Disney films. The hunchback doesn't get the beautiful girl, the beast doesn't get the beauty, the prince doesn't arrive in time to wake the sleeping princess, Mulan doesn't save China (although, yes, that's a true story).

So I wonder. I wonder who the woman described in the epitaph was really like. I wonder who she is and how she lived. I wonder how she loved. I wonder if, like me, she was socially awkward. I wonder if she was a loner. I wonder if she had a nasty temper. I wonder if she's just like me - completely not in control as my life careens desperately and dangerously off the course I had prescribed.

Perhaps there is something to be said for a complete dependence on a higher Being. But, God, that would mean letting go!