I had a tough day

Frankly, I did.

To start it off, I fucked up a tender (if you will pardon the language, I'll explain later). I got repremanded by the boss for it, although it was partially his fault. So says Zack.

Secondly, I got "persecuted" in cell group. This one I'll explain later as well - You'll see the pieces coming together.

Thirdly, a slightly unpleasant scene happened on the way home from cell group. Here's how it goes, approximately:

Friend, wife and I want to get a cab back from cell group. Cab 1 stops right in front of us, but had a plate that said Jurong. We were going towards town. Friend jumped into the cab anyway, and cabbie refuses to take him, especially after he said he wanted to stop off in Bt Merah to pick something up. Friend reluctantly gets out of the cab, and did not shut the door properly as he left. Cabbie reached over to shut the door, and I helped him. Friend stopped me, saying that he did it intentionally because the cabbie was an asshole. He goes on to complain that cabbies in Singapore are inconsiderate, because they don't get out of the car to help him with pram. He says it's their responsibility - part of their job, and most of them have attitude problems. I could not take it any longer and told him that he shouldn't be behaving this way, especially just after coming from cell group. (Obviously there will be people who will protest to this, but hold your tongues, let me finish my story.)

Cab 2 came along not long after. We told him we wanted to stop at 2 places, and he sheepishly told us he has another "call" (which means pickup) soon after, and cannot possibly do both stops. Friend later says that "he *says* he has a call, but I didn't hear him pick up the phone", essentially saying the fellow is lying. At this point I didn't bother to correct him anymore.

Here's the part where I explain everything.

What happened in cell group that caused me to be "persecuted" was essentially that I shared a very harsh, honest and unflattering view of my own spiritual life. I told them how I was at a peculiar stage of my life where I was very far away from God and not willing to go back. Apparently this confession was abhorrant to most Christians, so I was not surprised that I had a mini-counselling cum lecture cum bible teaching cum warning cum prayer thing going on. I started to feel the pall of everyone's pity hanging over me like an accursed curtain. I should have said that everything was peaches. It would have been just another lie, no big deal. But I didn't. For some reason, I didn't.

I've always been someone who's very self-aware. I know exactly what's going on, the sort of psychoses that I have, my sort of personality, and the likely way that I would respond in any given situation. And I guess I tend to be rather harsh on myself, in the same measure that I am harsh on others. And I didn't want to be another one of those hypocrites in our midst:-

- the people who would at one moment profess to love God and have compassion on the unreached and do missions, and another moment criticise and bully poor cabbies. My boss who is a non-christian, a pathological liar, and a worshipper of Mammon would not even do this.

- christian ministry staff who are openly defiant to their bosses and people to whom they are indirectly accountable to

- professing christians who are confrontational and very much itching for a fight at every given moment, and who use insulting/hurtful/unedifying words

- professing christians who go through the motions of going to church, attending chapel, reading the bible etc, and who are vengeful and vindictive to co-workers and subordinates

These are just a few examples of "christians" that I know. So I hope you'll forgive me if I opt not to stumble my pre-believing friends. I believe that Christians have a heavy cross to bear (figuratively speaking) in witnessing to their friends through the unsaid rather than the said, and the responsibility weighs on them. Paul, in his epistle to the Corinthians, told them that eating meat sacrificed to idols was acceptable, because idols are simply statues, and food is food. But if your action of eating meat sacrificed to idols can cause someone who is a young christian to believe that you are sinning, then the Apostle has this to say:

"For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols? So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall." (1 Cor 8:9-13)

Of course, the more biblically schooled among you will tell me that this passage is about the difference in treatment of information for mature vis-a-vis immature christians. And in some sense, that is right as well. But I'm interpreting this from another angle, not that the above hypocritical behaviours are alright as long as it is done in front of mature christians.

In a nutshell, this explains my earlier expletive. Because it feels good to swear. Because anger releases me. Because gossip relieves me of bordom. Because I want to complain about others. Because I sometimes want to show disdain. Because I know I can do a better job. Because I don't want to be bound by others' expectations. Because I'm a backslided Christian.

But whatever it is, the foundation is there. The God I know is safely tucked away in my heart. The experiences that I have had with God are undeniable. I can continue sinning. I can consciously or unconsciously reject God. I don't know if I'll go to heaven for pushing God's grace to the limit the way I do. Perhaps not. But God's grace is.. God's grace. I have experienced that irresistable lure. I know that I'll return someday. When I return, it will be for the love of God, not for the clamouring of eternal life.

This might not make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me. I wish to escape the expectations of being a christian, yet go about my life trying to make little impacts on others. If I slip, I slip. At least I would tell them that real christians won't behave the way I do - they are held to a higher - an eternal - standard. If I don't slip, well, I can always look for an opportunity to share. Yes, christians are not perfect, but we can certainly try to behave better. Once I can muster up the humility to obey God...

Well, we'll cross that one when we come to it.